God, Are you there?
Its been a long road, and i thought our love/hate relationship would b over with. Although i sit here alone, I can’t help but talk to you.
Huh, isn’t that funny?
I used to make fun of those that walked with a crucifix hanging around there necks, and now…
Damn I am selfish aren’t I?
Well, I bet you’ve dealt with people who are overflowing with with selfishness who only pray for more bonds and luck in the stock market. Fucking rich pigs.
So, where do I start man?
I used to go to church as a kid, with a mom and dad who loved me and treated me like gold. They only wanted what was right for me. The good path of humblenss; they would say.
Where did I go wrong?
Avoiding drugs and shit in high school was impossible. I started with pot, then i did X and from there it turned to cocaine and other crap.
Why didn’t you stop me?
I wondered that every time u know. Everytime i sniffed that rail up, or everytime I stuck that needle in my bruised arms i would ask myself; Are u there you “o’ merciful”?
When did I really hate you?
I think when i woke up in a dumpster, I blamed you. I would curse ur name every day man. Blame you for my broken nose when i fought for drugs. Blame you for my lack of…..virtue.
I’m not that old am i?
…..I’m really not. 25. I should be working on getting married, a beautiful wife with kids. A career, that lovely house with that white picket fence.
I messed up didn’t I?
I look at myself now, and i see how destroyed my skin is. Sallow and almost yellow. My hair basically grey. My teeth are disgusting. I’m homeless. Im worthless.I’m alone.
This is it isn’t it?
Im stuck here, in this alley. Fighting for my life. I picked the wrong path.Humbleness. Me and my pigheaded self- I fell for that shit. Do this, try that. It aint all that bad. I got addicted.
I’m dying aren’t I?
Is this why I feel like repenting?
Am I reaching that point God?
Can I still be saved?
Save me. Please.
I’m not ready.
Are you there?