For awhile now I’ve felt like I’m in a hamster wheel, going, going, going but not moving. It’s so frustrating and unnerving I feel like just telling everyone to fuck off sometimes. I lose it. I don’t even know how to talk to people from how detached I feel from my reality. What I have and what I want are so far from each other. By no means am I referring to my family! I love my kids and feel blessed to have them. This has nothing to do with them but everything to do with me. Me and my lack of motivation and my fear to head towards the road less traveled. It’s not easy taking risks when you might jeopardise people who are so dependent of you in the process.
I’ve been here before, it’s all disturbingly familiar to me. The feeling that I’ve done a half ass job with my life so far. Lets face it! I’m not getting younger. I am 27 years old and yes a lot of you will think “You’re still so young!” but understand that I am a 27-year-old mother of a 7-year-old and a 2-year-old. I didn’t go to school, I didn’t do the traveling. I haven’t done the ‘stay at the office until 3AM to meet a deadline and climb the ladder’. Shit I still feel like I need to figure out what I want to do when I grow up!
Having my kids, despite all the shit storms my pregnancies caused, is the best thing I have done in my life. I take pride in knowing that I do the best I can to be a good mother to them (hysterical tantrum yelling aside…from me not the kids, just so we’re clear) and the results are something that I can only sit here and smile about =) So you see, even though I may take time to lament and feel sorry for myself or whatever the fuck you want to call it I can recognise the good things in my life. Problem is that I’m not done.
There is so much learning and living to be done. I know what I want to do. I want to help people, I want to help people have a reason to smile. So ideally I would like to be a Project Management Professional, Professional Fundraiser, International Development Manager, would like to have some construction management knowledge as well as immigration laws not to mention the Marketing and PR aspect of it all. LMAO! I just re-read that and I can’t help but laugh. OH MAN! I have a lot of catching up to do! Not to mention the fact that I would have to hand the care of my kids over 100% and would have to win the lottery to pay for all those courses…sigh.
I haven’t been able to achieve one of the things on that list, I need to re-asses (not to mention go sell my ass on a corner so I can actually afford any of it). I need to get my shit together, get my finances in order, get my home in order, my relationship in order…I need to go to the drawing board and figure out how to get off this motherfucking wheel.