This isn’t cool. I feel like I’m in limbo…I have this big NOW WHAT? gnawing at me and it’s incredibly frustrating. I keep reflecting back on everything in my life and try to find the lesson that was meant to be learned from each experience and how I should apply that lesson to my circumstances today. So needless to say I’ve been doing a lot of random crying and have been getting angry with others and myself. That saying “If I knew then what I know now” keeps popping into my head.
I feel so lost right now. I have accepted the termination of my relationship, I’m not happy with it, but I have accepted it. I’m annoyed with myself…can’t stand myself actually. I keep trying and trying to snap out of this shit and I come close to fooling myself sometimes that I am in fact making my way up but then I dive back in to the dark, murky waters. I’m tired. So, so tired. I’ve started noticing that I don’t smile anymore, much less laugh out loud. When I do smile or give anything remotely close to a laugh it sounds so fucken fake…so forced. It’s not genuine. The fact that I feel so freaking alone doesn’t help much either. I don’t think I can begin to explain the degree of loneliness I feel. I just try to shake that shit off though, try not to let the fact that I don’t really have anyone I can call a “bffl” to talk to or vent to or even cry to in my life. I said it before and I’ll say it again…neediness. The worst human trait EVER.
I’ve been reading A LOT lately. It helps. It carries me away from everything and everyone. The more and more I read, the more I wish I could just jump into my books and disappear…for good. I’ve been thinking about that a lot as well. Disappearing. Perhaps…one day.